Tomas Rosicky

Spawned in 1980 in Prague, Tomas Rosicky was the Czech Republic’s first test tube baby, a bold experiment fashioned from the DNA of Olympian Emil Zátopek and Martina Navratilova, designed to be the ultimate human specimen of Czechness. The government’s plan was to clone Rosicky into a new Czech army and overthrow the then ruling Soviet regime. However in 1989 Communism unexpectedly collapsed and Tomas was freed from his military training aged 9 and allowed to live a normal life with his new foster parents: two hippies who encouraged him to grow his hair long and learn the guitar. (Sadly for him, his new parents also forbade him to eat meat, and thanks to his diet of tofu burgers he never achieved the 6’4” frame for which his DNA was programmed).

Not another bad hair day...

Not another bad hair day...

Around the same time he became a normal child citizen, Tomas also discovered football, at which point the Terminator-style military computer that the Czech government had installed in his brain at birth became the perfect weapon for measuring crosses, corners and free kicks.

His superb genes and bionic passing precision meant Rosicky was quickly snapped up by Sparta Prague youth academy, and ten years later he made his debut for the senior team in 1998. Another year later he was selected for the Czech under 21s and then in 2000 got his call up for the senior Czech national team. It wasn’t long before bigger clubs came a-calling and a high profile 14.5 million euro (or one billion Czech koruna) move to Borussia Dortmund took place in 2001, before Arsenal secured his services in 2006 – when he inherited the number 7 shirt of the great Robert Pires. Life in North London started well for Tomas as he made 31 starting appearances in 2006/7 scoring 5 goals; however in 2007/8, just as he was scoring for fun, he had the mixed fortune of meeting his girlfriend, Czech beauty pageant runner-up Radka Kocurova. Tomas had never spoken to a woman before and he fell madly in love, to the good of his happiness but to the detriment of his football career. Suspiciously, after meeting the extraordinarily fit Ms Kocurova, he was then ‘injured’ for 18 months…

Now that his infatuation with Kocurova has passed the honeymoon stage however Rosicky, or ‘Little Mozart’ as he has been dubbed, has finally stopped shagging his missus 24 hours a day and returned to being a regular in the Arsenal squad, adding attacking guile and some important goals to the Gunners’ front line.

What Tomas Rosicky brings to Arsenal

Apart from his foster mother’s delicious Czech honey cake, and the odd crate of the original Budvar, Rosicky also brings bags of footballing technique and creativity to the Arsenal set-up. The archetypal Wenger player in many ways, Rosicky is as comfortable with the ball as a lady’s hand in a silk glove and his passing is not far below fellow midfield maestro Cesc Fabregas. On his day Tomas also boasts a cracking shot.

Tomas Rosicky Player Profile

Full name: Tomáš Rosický
Nick name(s): Little Mozart (after the manner in which he orchestrates the midfield)
Position: Attacking midfielder
Height: 5’10”
Leftie/Rightie: Right
Strength: 5
Speed: 7
Stamina: 7
Passing: 9
Tackling: 4
Shooting: 8
Heading: 5
Dribbling: 8
Technique: 9
Grit: 7
Haircut: 3


Ability to shag for 18 months straight. Rocket right foot.

Achilles Heel:

Overly romantic. Foppy hair. Vegetarian’s build.

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