Theo Walcott

Prodigious young Theo graduated with flying colours from the Lewis Hamilton school for eloquent sportsmen before signing for Southampton. While his former pals were still playing in the sandpit, Theo started making first team appearances and it was not long before he caught Arsene Wenger’s all-seeing eye, at least partially because he looked rather like a smaller version of Thierry Henry. He signed for Arsenal on 20 January 2006 for £5 million, potentially rising to £12 million on appearances, at the time a record fee for a teenager.

Theo prepares to make the jump to hyperspace...

Theo prepares to make the jump to hyperspace...

Theo is rapid, like seriously fucking quick. It’s rumoured he could outrun Usain Bolt running backwards and that he owes his supernatural speed to being raised on Cheetah’s milk after his parents lost him in London zoo. Indeed, he’s so fast that his body has the startling ability to temporarily leave his own brain behind.

Yet Arsene’s rigorous training methods are starting to harness Walcott’s significant talent, and these days he seems to be able to increasingly burn defenders at will and, whisper it quietly, even seems to be developing a final ball.

What Theo Walcott brings to Arsenal

Absolutely ludicrous pace. On his day he moves so fast that left backs can barely see him never mind tackle him. Capable of utterly jaw-dropping runs, such as his magnificent full length of the pitch dribble to set up what looked to be a crucial goal in the Champions League at Anfield.

Beloved amongst the fans simply for being English. Yet with time, we can only hope performances such as his spellbinding England hat-trick can become regular feats in the red and white of Arsenal.

Theo Walcott Player Profile

Position: Right Winger/Forward
Height: 5’9”
Leftie/Rightie: Rightie
Strength: 4
Speed: Infinite
Stamina: 7
Passing: 6
Tackling: 4
Shooting: 8
Heading: n/a
Dribbling: 9 when his brain keeps up with his feet, 6 when it doesn’t
Technique: 7
Grit: 7 (though tends to look cute rather than menacing when squaring up to opponents)
Haircut: Head hair = two thumbs up, Facial hair = two thumbs down

Special abilities

Running really, really fast. Pretty special balance when he’s concentrating

Achilles Heel

Running too fast for his own good. Frustrating shoulder problems

More Information on Theo Walcott

Theo Walcott on Arsenal official site
Theo Walcott on Wikipedia