Nicklas Bendtner

Found weighing just 10lbs, abandoned in swaddling clothes under the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen, Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner was born alone in this cruel world. He suffered a tough upbringing in a rough inner district orphanage in the Danish capital, where he learnt to beat up the other boys by growing taller than them. That was until the age of 15, when a seemingly innocuous event would change his life of loneliness and destitution forever. The orphanage was taken over by a robust 45-yr-old widow by the name of Astrid Frumpenberger, and bizarre though it sounds the rotund director and lanky misfit fell madly in love. Shortly after discovering the Dane’s elephant-trunk-sized apparatus in a steamy incident behind the bike sheds, Frumpenberger seized on the idea of training her teenage lover to be Denmark’s number one penis variety act. With Frumpenberger as his manager, Bendtner toured the whole of his home country and parts of Finland with his amazing show; which included amongst other things, tying the python-esque member in a variety of knots and having midgets skip over the appendage as he rotated his hips. Just as it seemed worldwide fame beckoned, sadly for Nicklas a tragic accident occurred when he was carelessly pruning his man garden. He sheared his organ in two!

The resulting operation saved his life but needless to say Bendtner’s penis puppetry was over forever. There was a silver lining for the young Dane though. With his huge member trimmed down to size, Niklas no longer ran like a three-legged dog, and was able to pursue a second career option as a footballer, something in which he had excelled before the onset of puberty. A bit, but not very much, like a duck that had taken to water, been encumbered by an oil slick, and then struggled back to the water, Bendtner got his soccer back on track: scoring goals left right and centre for Danish club Kjøbenhavns Boldklub. It wasn’t long before the Arsenal scouts spotted him and he moved to North London in 2004 aged 16. In the 2009/2010 season he decided to pay tribute to his former, full-length schlong by swapping shirt no. 26 for shirt no. 52, a reference to the size of his penis in centimetres before his accident. Famously when, Nicklas attempted to show an interested party the scars of his traumatic operation in a London nightclub his gestures were misinterpreted, and he was promptly removed by security with his trousers around his ankles.

I'm telling you Samir, it was this big...

I'm telling you Samir, it was this big...

What Nicklas Bendtner brings to Arsenal

Height. Blessed height. Oh to see a player above 5’3″ in an Arsenal shirt brings a tear of joy to the eye. All those crosses that we bundle into the area, whenever we run out of ideas (ie. most games), actually have a chance of reaching someone… and indeed hats off to our Bendtner, he turns more than a fair share of them into vital Arsenal goals. Although Big Nick’s first touch is a little crude at times, once under control he moves the ball very well and is hard to dispossess, enabling him to get away shots in tight areas. He’s also got the all important predatory instincts – so much so that he can even read Theo Walcott’s unpredictable balls into the area!

Nicklas Bendtner Player Profile

Full name: Nicklas Bendtner
Nick name(s): Big Nick, Bendy, the Great Dane
Position: Striker
Height: 6’4″
Leftie/Rightie: Right
Strength: 7
Speed: 6
Stamina: 7
Passing: 7
Tackling: 4
Shooting: 8
Heading: 9
Dribbling: 7
Technique: 6
Grit: 8
Haircut: 7 (seems to have got over some of the worse transgressions of his youth, to chip with a vaguely a la mode number).


Ability to score last gasp-winners. Virtually every game.

Achilles Heel:

First touch can resemble a pinball machine.

More Info on Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner

Nicklas Bendtner on
Nicklas Bendtner on Wiki

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