The man we know today as Marouane Chamakh once appeared destined to become a player rather like many of his now team-mates at Arsenal; as a youngster he was small, technically gifted and in possession of the sort of fantastic hair sported by such Arsenal greats as Robert Pires, Tomas Rosicky and to a lesser extent, Gilles Grimandi.
Then apparent disaster struck. A routine traffic accident involving Chamakh and an inconveniently present lorry load of nuclear waste left him doused in radioactive fuel, miraculously only from the shoulders up.
But instead of killing young Marouane, the accident handed him near-superhuman powers.
Marouane shot up in height, sprouted manly musculature and suddenly developed unparalleled aerial prowess. Legend says that were Chamakh to unveil the full force of his enhanced power nearby defenders would be struck by sudden decapitation.
Sadly, as with most superhuman transformations side effects do exist. The intense radioactive exposure of his bizarre accident had an irreversible effect on young Marouane’s once flaxen locks, leaving his hair fused into its now permanent rigid state – like a sweaty porcupine, but slightly balding.
What Marouane Chamakh brings to Arsenal:
A lot. Famously powerful in the air, excellent with his back to goal and top movement to boot. An excellent combination of the finesse of Van Persie and the power of Bendtner. Blessedly taller than most of our midgets.
Marouane Chamakh Player Profile:
Full name: Marouane Chamakh
Nicknames: Chamakh Attack
Immense leap, powerful headers
Few obvious faults. Not that quick perhaps. We’ll stick to lambasting his hair
More info on Marouane: