Alex Song

The first thing you need to know about Alexandre Song is that he will be 872 years old this Thursday. Happy birthday Alex! The son of Queen Latifah the First and the spirit of the savannah, the Demi-God Billong, Alexandre is not – contrary to popular belief – immortal, but owes his longevity to his studies at the renowned CISS Academy (Cameroon International School of Shamen)*. After enrolling in 1277, Alex completed his education at the relatively early age of 450 years young and his graduation with distinction was celebrated with The Great Antelopes’ Ball, an event that is remembered fondly by shamen around the world to this very day. (The sausage rolls were amazing).

The best Barnet in North London

The best Barnet in North London

According to the International Shaman Code of Conduct, Song Billong is not permitted to use his special powers when representing Arsenal during Premier League matches. However, as he has stated numerous times in interviews, he believes his organic herbal root juice smoothie (secret recipe) is what gives him his competitive edge in terms of strength and stamina. Since arriving at Arsenal in 2006, Alexandre has slowly developed the technical side of his game to go with his natural (smoothie-enhanced) athleticism and he has been a regular in the Arsenal starting eleven since the second half of the 2008/2009 season.

What Alexandre Song brings to Arsenal

In a team full of attack-minded midgets, Song Billong brings some much needed defensive muscle to the heart of the Arsenal midfield. A (fast-)moving wall of a man, Song is the perfect screen for the back four with a (third?) eye for danger – which he is usually able to snuff out with his combination of power and pace. Often overlooked, Song’s ability to buy himself time, either with a clever feint, change of direction or simply by shrugging off an opposition player, is an invaluable asset to Arsenal’s possession football. Not afraid to pick up the odd yellow card in the line of duty.

Alex Song Player Profile

Full name: Alexandre Dimitri Song Billong
Position: Defensive Midfielder/Centre Back
Height: 6’1”
Leftie/Rightie: Right
Strength: 9
Speed: 8
Stamina: 10
Passing: 8
Tackling: 9
Shooting: 3
Heading: 7
Dribbling: 6
Technique: 8
Grit: 9
Haircut: 9 (easily the best barnet on the squad)


Voodoo: flying, death trance, healing hands, levitation, magic ray (all forbidden in the EPL according to Shamen law). Human: running 50 kmph, whilst looking languid. Buying himself a ridiculous amount of time to play the ball.

Achilles Heel:

Frequent sufferer of chronic indigestion (brought on by his organic smoothies).

More Info on Alexandre Song:

Alex Song on
Alex Song in Wiki

*where his uncle Rigobert is Dean of Black Magic