Player Ratings
Find below the Come on the Arse’s patented pun-tastic verdicts of Arsenal player ratings in various matches of the season, starting with the most recent first. Each player will be held up to the light of the Arse-o-meter and read his final judgement!
Arsenal Player Ratings for 2010-2011
Saturday 28st August: Blackburn 1 – Arsenal 2
Posted by Sonuvagun
Manuel Almunia: Solid Arse. Not put under anywhere near the pressure that young Fabianski was last time round and his sturdier frame was certainly more reassuring.
Gael Clichy: Tremend-arse. Quashed almost all threat from his side of the field and confident under pressure. Played like a leader.
Thomas Vermaelen: Hard Arse. As usual, not taking any shit and just the kinda man you want on days like these. One ill-advised dodgy flick/pass nearly got us in trouble though…
Laurent Koscielny: Amateur Arse which took a thorough shafting in the build up to the Blackburn goal. Otherwise looked pretty solid in the air and tackle.
Bacary Sagna: Fast Arse. Showed great pace and determination to keep the ball in play for our second goal, and Titan-like at the back.
Abou Diaby: Team Arse. Some good covering in defence and generally decent all-round play. Can’t think of too many key moments to be honest though other than his shot in the opening minutes! Out-jumped by Samba on one occasion but not made to pay.
Alex Song: Ridicul-arse haircut, but plenty of sensible play. Needs a few more games to hit top form.
Cesc Fabregas: Mixed Arse. If one buttock was peachy and silky smooth, then the other was spotty and even a bit hairy. Some stupend-arse eye-of-the-needle passes (including one lay off to Chamakh that drifted through four or five Blackburn players), were mixed with some heavy first touches and a lack of je ne sais quoi. Needs more matches? Still got half a mind on Barcelona? Did well to keep us in the game with a goalline clearance.
Andrey Arshavin: Can he be Arsed? It’s difficult to know with the enigmatic Russian. I think he gave it enough, but sometimes his attempts to weave magic don’t work (like when he dribbled past two defenders only to be blocked by the third). Fuck it, who cares? He scored, and he’s in my fantasy team!
Theo Walcott: Sexy Arse. Another bootilicious performance from young Theo who is really enjoying making a mockery of his critics. If he wasn’t outpacing the Blackburn defence, then he was out-tricking them, or out-thinking them (such as when he let the ball run right past him to take him past Givet). Well taken goal, good effort from range, nice set up for Wilshere… what a man, what a man, what a mighty mighty good man!
Robin Van Persie: Arse of Glass. Once again Mr. Fragile was forced to limp off the grass, but sounds like it should be just for 8-10 days with a twisted ankle. Lovely assist for Walcott.
Subs:
Marouane Chamakh: Sticky Arse: Glued himself to Samba on a number of set pieces which definitely helped our cause. A target man with the height of Bendtner and the guile of RVP.
Tomas Rosicky: Soft Arse. Not quite robust enough to run the show in Fab’s absence (or Fabsence if you prefer), although some nice passes. Only an elephant will be able to tell you the last time one of his shots went anywhere near the goal.
Jack Wilshere: Jammed Gun. The starlet mis-fired when presented with a golden opportunity to seal the game. Did well though to solid up the midfield in the final minutes.
Manager:
Arsene Wenger: Smug Arse. His faith in his team was vindicated by the performance, and moreover the result. Did well to correct his mistake by moving Rosicky out of central midfield.
TOP GUN:
Theo! Theo! I want a Theo, and I want one now!
Saturday 21st August: Arsenal 6-0 Blackpool
Posted by SmartArse
Manuel Almunia: Fairly Anonym-arse, but at least the flapping was absent.. Though, with Schwarzer again missing for Fulham that may well be his last game in the shirt. If so, my warmest regards for his future. A good servant, just not a very good goalkeeper.
Gael Clichy: Wobbly Arse: Few rumblings of discontent about Clich amongst fans. Needs to find his feet again fast or young Gibbs will usurp him faster than a Sp*rs collapse vs Young Boys.
Bacary Sagna: Adventurarse: Certainly more so than usual and did leave space for breaks, not that it really mattered against a `10 man Blackpool.
Thomas Vermaelen: Numb Arse – or at least, he could well have sat down and given himself one. Not really tested, especially after they went down to 10 men. Apparently has completed a remarkable 69 passes without giving the ball away once in our opening two fixtures.
Alex Song: Ditto TV, minus the passing stat, plus luscious hair. Great to see him back in the shirt.
Abou Diaby: V-arse-t improvement – anoymous vs Liverpool, but far more composed on Saturday. Does some things I’m sure he doesn’t understand with the ball. It’s certainly enough to bamboozle opponents. Not exactly tested defensively and hopefully won’t have to be now Song is fit and playing.
Tomas Rosicky: Fresh Meat: Okay that’s probably a little creepy, I apologise. But there’s no denying a rejuvenated Rosicky is looking back to his best; excellent penetrative passing and direct running. For the first time in ages looks a real threat.
Jack Wilshere: Effortl-arse – smooth like a Rolls Royce. Young Jack was as ever excellent in possession and disciplined enough to hold his position well. More important minutes in the development of our finest prospect.
Theo Walcott: Kylie’s Arse:
Yup, Theo was THAT good
As in absolutely fantastic. Theo was electric and fully deserving of his hat-trick. Though as my brother was quick to point out, he’s produced quality against weaker sides before. But if this performance is a sign of things to come then we should all rejoice. Obviously pace, but also fantastic touch, turns and cutting edge. Made their left-back look silly.
Andrey Arshavin: Spanked Arse: Fast becoming a bit of a scapegoat. Far better than vs Liverpool, but this was only Blackpool. Still ridiculously lackadaisical for a professional. Superbly taken penalty though.
Marouane Chamakh: Big Arse: We were promised heading ability and we got it. The jump for his goal would have probably taken him clean over Arshavin. Decent performance elsewhere – obviously should have had more goals, but great in the build up. Interesting to see how he fits in when Robin is fit and firing.
Subs:
Cesc Fabregas and Robin Van Persie: Perked Up Our Arses – Justly lauded by the crowd as the came on at the same time. Both looked a little rusty, but equally both so much better than the Blackpool players it wasn’t even funny. Great to have you back, gentlemen.
Carlos Vela: Not on long enough to really mention.
TOP GUN:
Theo Walcott, of course. A gracious Ian Holloway called him unplayable – a fitting description on the day. If he can be that positive and productive on a regular basis it could be quite an exciting season. Once again, cheers Fabio 
