Player Ratings

Find below the Come on the Arse’s patented pun-tastic verdicts of Arsenal player ratings in various matches of the season, starting with the most recent first. Each player will be held up to the light of the Arse-o-meter and read his final judgement!

Arsenal Player Ratings for 2010-2011

Wednesday 16th February: Arsenal 2 – Barcelona 1

Posted by Sonuvagun

Wojciech Szczesny: Pumped Arse. Clearly up for it the Pole in Goal blocked several goalbound efforts with aggressive intent. Lovely bit of air-humping when Arshavin scored the winner.

Gael Clichy: Lovely Arse-sist. Although, somewhat harshly, blamed for playing Villa onside for the Barca goal it was his delicate chip to RVP which set up the first Arsenal goal.

Laurent Koscielny: Lion-el Tamer. Tracked Messi up the pitch and made it hard for the Argentine to exert his usual influence.

Jonathan Djourou: Solid Arse. Can’t remember too much about JD’s contribution to be perfectly honest (I was drunk in a pub) but hey only one goal vs. Barcelona = solid in my book.

Emmanuelle Eboue: Team Arse. Did his best although like most of our players struggled with Barcelona’s pressing esp. in the opening stages.

Alex Song: Dirty Arse. His persistent fouling was by no means pretty, but had an unenviable job on his hands.

Jack Wilshere: Beautiful Teen Arse. Ok, whilst that was a blatant attempt to get Come on the Arsenal a few more visitors, who didn’t get a semi-on watching young Jack’s performance? Consistently played us out of Barcelona’s relentless pressure.

Cesc Fabregas: No Questions Arsed, of Captain Fab’s dedication to the cause against his old amigos. Great ball to Nasri in the lead up the second.

Samir Nasri: Masterclass of Arse. One of the best red shirts in possession it was his masterful pass that teed up Arshavin for a great team Arsenal goal.

Theo Walcott: Penetrating Arse. Thrust himself down the middle, and often wiggled about a bit for good measure, although sadly nothing came of it.

Robin Van Persie: Arse-blasted the equalizer past a duped Valdes for what turned out to be the crucial turning point.

Subs:

Andrei Arshavin: A lovely lovely Arse. Never have I wanted to kiss a 5’4″ ruddy-cheeked Russian quite so passionately (the desire, not the kiss that is…).

Nicklas Bendtner: Decent Arse. Good job of distracting Valdes.

Manager:

Arsene Wenger: The Gambler had an Arse up his sleeve for what proved to be the winning hand…

TOP GUN: Unbelievably, given the exalted company, Jack the Lad was probably the best player on display at the Emirates, esp. as the game progressed. Responsible for launching at least half of the Arsenal attacks and never lost his composure.

Monday 27th December: Arsenal 3 – Chelsea 1

Posted by Sonuvagun

Lukasz Fabianski: Bored off his Arse for most of the game. Read the play well mopping up loose balls and crosses. In no man’s land for the Chelsea goal however.

Gael Clichy: Same old Arse. Another shocking piece of indecision meant he continued his gaff a game habit, this time inexplicably dithering in possession before losing the ball in a dangerous area; plus he seems to have to try at least one crack from range despite the fact the last time he scored togas were all the rage.

Laurent Koscielny: Spotty Arse. A couple of black marks, and probably most at fault for the Chelsea goal (caught the wrong side of Ivanovic), but aside from these small blemishes a mostly peachy performance. Was up for it.

Jonathan Djourou: Mean Arse. Clearly chosen for his physical presence JD didn’t disappoint. His speed and composure also helped break up one or two dangerous moments. Pushing for a regular slot.

Bacary Sagna: Flawl-arse as usual. Defensively it’s hard to think of a better right back out there.

Alex Song: Machine Goon. A near perfect performance which included the game’s sweetest pass (which Van Persie missed), a surging run and great finish for the opening goal, and his usual array of vital blocks and harrying.

Jack Wilshere: Well-rounded Arse. A mature performance from the teenager with the right mix of dainty distribution and gritty defensive work.

Cesc Fabregas: Touch of Arse. Simply beautiful through ball for Walcott to seal the game, plus a bagged a goal and reclaimed his rightful role as the team’s heart beat.

Samir Nasri: Solid Arse. Not a spectacular game by his standards, but showed his quality with a fantastic chipped shot from a standing position. Nearly scored after another Chelsea defensive error, but failed to loft the ball high enough over the advancing Cech.

Theo Walcott: Lethal Weapon. Was a constant harpoon in Chelsea’s gills, seizing on their defence’s every mistake to great effect. Fantastically taken goal, and also used his pace to dart back into defence whenever needed.

Robin Van Persie: Team Arse. A great servant for the cause, even if his shooting boots are still in the wash. Come on Mrs. Van Persie hang them out to dry and hand ’em back!

Subs: Can’t be Arsed to rate their performances but they did ok. Diaby should have scored really.

Manager:

Arsene Wenger: Divine Arse. If the halo has slipped in recent years it looks like Wenger’s deity status will get reinstated sooner rather than later, should this performance was anything to go by. His team selection was both brave and bang on and starting Theo was his best decision. Rash-ey Hole was are undoing last time we met but the Chelsea man was barely afforded the luxury of leaving his own half. Got the committed and fearless performance that he has been asking for, and with his squad nearly at full strength you can be sure the bookies are shortening their odds on Arsenal as title winners as I type.

TOP GUN: Let’s divide the honours between Alex Song and Theo. Congrats boys.

Monday 13th December: Manchester Utd 1 – Arsenal 0

Posted by Sonuvagun

Wojciech Szczesny: Imperi-arse from the ankles up. Great handling and a sensational body block plus diving save from Rooney’s chip. Awful distribution put us under unnecessary pressure and contributed to a nervy performance possession-wise.

Gael Clichy: Arse-shafted by Nani on too many occasions. First for the goal, when he invited the winger to cut inside (although he did still get a foot on the cross to be fair), and second for the penalty when he went to ground too early. Well beaten over the course of 90 minutes in what became the game-deciding duel.

Laurent Koscielny: Acceptable piece of Arse. Got away with a horrible headed clearance which Nani lashed wide [NB some confusion here, pretty sure it was LK but some sources say SS…], otherwise defending pretty well. Was confident taking the ball out of defence giving us some much needed composure.

Sebastian Squillaci: Scary Arse. His skeletal mien was made additionally frightening by a black eye and some solid tackling. One of the few Arsenal players to emerge from the game with any credit.

Bacary Sagna: Unspectacular Arse. Never a worry at the back, his forays going forward blow hot and cold. Today, come the big occasion, they were more the latter.

Alex Song: Off Song. Contributed to what was generally a decent defensive team performance with lots of running, tackling, blocking etc, but seemed very pedestrian on the ball. He’s no Fabregas even at his best, but shame the jinks, one-twos and through balls were all missing.

Tomas Rosicky: Toy Gun. Been firing blanks for far too long. Hurried his one chance when he had time to take on the defender and create a real opportunity.

Jack Wilshere: Young Gun. Was up for the scrap and provided us with some dynamism but did we need an older more experienced head on the field, to deal with Man U’s wily ways? Not able to unlock the opposition defence.

Samir Nasri: Ex-Arse-perated. Didn’t get the ball anywhere near as much as either he, or we, wanted. When he did looked our most dangerous player (which sadly isn’t saying much) but nothing came off.

Andrey Arshavin: Ex-Arse-perating. To his credit he fought hard, tackled back and was strong on the ball. However he didn’t use it at all well. Just doesn’t seem to be the player we know he is these days. Downright sloppy to be caught in possession in his own penalty box.

Marouane Chamakh: Arsed up. Starved of service he did well to get on the end of one cross with a brave header and worked hard as always, but displayed the reactions and agility of a Rohypnolled rhino when Van der Saar spilled Nasri’s shot for our only gilt-edged chance of the game.

Subs:

Cesc Fabregas: Captain Drab-ulous. Far from an Aston Villa-esque 35 mins of inspiration, El Capitan’s only contribution was to continually give the ball away.

Robin Van Persie: Stinky Arse. Unable to influence the game in any way. Guilty of a crappy foul on Evra when he should have been doing his talking with a decent performance.

Theo Walcott: Not-so-super Sub. Not given much time to shine and duly failed to conjure up any magic, blazing one half chance almost as high as Rooney’s penalty.

Manager:

Arsene Wenger: Beaten Arse. Seemed to have instructed his team to be a bit more cautious than usual, perhaps mindful that Man U would look to counter attack – but did that stunt our attacking play? Ideally would have liked his biggest guns fully fit but they were reduced to ineffectual cameos.

Tuesday 23rd October: Man City 0 – Arsenal 3

Posted by Sonuvagun

Lukasz Fabianski: Imperi-arse performance by the young(ish) Pole. Why were we ever worried? Get him an English passport! He’s the best keeper in the world! Probably, maybe, well until next game… all the same well done Sir, keep on proving us wrong!

Gael Clichy: Wobbly Arse. Part of a decidedly loose looking pair on the left of defence (with Djourou) which frequently invited a good shafting… got away with it this time.

Jonathan Djourou: Spanked Arse! Took a pounding from everyone from Tevez to Micah Richards down the left, in what was probably the worst performance I’ve seen from a centre back in an Arsenal shirt. And I’ve watched Silvestre play there several times! Missing a golden goal-scoring chance to cap a liturgy of disasters, but came some way to redeeming himself with a number of timely interceptions and – most importantly – by winning his only one-on-one with Cuntabayor.

Sebastian Squillaci: Anonymarse. Either I wasn’t paying attention or Squillster didn’t have much to do (or didn’t do much – you decide!). City picked a weak looking left to play down and Seb was rarely involved in any key moments.

Bacary Sagna: Solid Arse. Our Bacary is one arse who is rarely, if ever, exposed; plus pulled off a beautiful sliding interception when Djorou was being raped and pillaged for the umpteemth time down the left.

Denilson: Arsey. Beautifully belligerent, nice and efficient, great to see him get the nod as he has really grown from this time last year. His simplicity is sublime.

Cesc Fabregas: Spotty Arse. Whilst the overall impression was of peachy arsenificence, two black marks blighted the sexiness of Fab’s performance today. A missed penalty, and a missed golden opportunity, after being teed up by Nasri. Credit for sending Chamakh through in the 5th minute, leading to the red card, an amazing run, which led to another great Chamakh chance and some very sound defensive midfielding. Excellent, but didn’t deserve MOTM.

Alex Song: Kiss My Arse you overpaid, pastel-shirted morons! I bitched-slapped your midfield and slammed home the killer goal. You’ll never have an afro like mine!

Samir Nasri: Top Gunner! We asked for more, and we got more! Nasri was amazing. Lovely move and finish for the first goal, great defensive work throughout, 5-aside-esque skills on the ball, and beautiful set up for Bendtner to rub a Red Sea’s worth of salt into City’s, hopefully gangrenous, wounds. Go Samir, it’s your birthday, gonna drink Bacardi like it’s your birthday!

Andrei Arshavin: Genie-arse. The little magician staved off his critics with yet another assist and a big hand in the second goal. Did my eyes deceive me, or did I see him tracking back at one stage?

Marouane Chamakh: Cham-on muther-f@ckers! Great off the ball work as always and once again got the other side of the opposing defence in what was probably the key moment of the game. Plus showed his strength on the by-line by completely out-muscling a City defender despite the latter’s best attempt to foul him. Adebayor = 27 million. Chamakh = free. We love you Wenger!

Subs:

Tomas Rosicky: Acceptable piece of Arse. It’s all too much! I’ve actually completely forgotten if TR did anything of note… but I’m sure he did ok.

Theo Walcott: Danger-arse as always but not enough opportunities to make his presence known.

Nicklas Bendtner: Glory-arse finish made the result slightly sexier than we probably deserved, but hey who’s complaining?

Manager:

Arsene Wenger: Easy Arse. Le Prof’s protégées got an easy ride today as Man City contrived to lose the game with a rash sending off, stupid penalty (ok we fluffed it…), and lacklustre defending. Selected his strongest team and got the result he was looking for.

Tuesday 19th October: Arsenal 5 – Shakhtar Donetsk 1

Posted by Sonuvagun

Lukasz Fabianski: Bored off his Arse for most of the game, but did well to stop Adriano’s effort with the game still not decided. Generously let Eddie score.

Gael Clichy: Arse half full. Generally solid but didn’t add much to attack and looked decidedly lazy and ill-disciplined in the last 30 odd minutes. Ok the game was won, but still…

Jonathan Djourou: Big bad Arse. Nice to have someone of genuine size at the back and JD won a lion’s share of headers, plus a penalty. Shakin’ off the rust of a year out.

Sebastian Squillaci: Dependable piece of Arse. A reliable rear man if ever there was one. Could maybe have done more to stop the Eduardo effort, but was clearly reading the script which demanded a romantic return for our Eddie.

Emmanuel Eboue: Class Arse. Some delightful first touches, a great turn of pace, reliable in the tackle. Must be one of the best right backs anywhere on the bench. Love the way he is always first to congratulate a goal-scorer.

Jack Wilshere: Golden Goon. Sealed another triffic performance with the best goal of the night, rather than a red card.

Cesc Fabregas: Flabby Arse. Unsurprisingly a little slow of touch and movement, by his exalted standards, but worked hard all around the pitch and slammed home an unstoppable penalty. Expecting a fully trimmed down and shapely Arse by the weekend.

Alex Song: Baaarvellous performance by The Sheep, who won the midfield battle with ease and (just about) got the opening goal.

Tomas Rosicky: Gener-arse to a tee, as he played in Wilshere with a lovely one-two for the fourth goal.

Samir Nasri: Marvel-arse touch and finish for his own goal, and even better lofted pass over the top to Chamakh-attack. Is that 6 goals in 9 games?

Marouane Chamakh: Smooth Arse. Got behind the Shakhtar defence only to casually consult the linesman: “Am I onside? In that case, I’ll just stroke this home.”

Subs:

Denilson, Arshavin, Walcott: Team Arses. You’re 5-0 down and the likes of Arshavin and Walcott are stripping down on the sidelines… you can’t be too optimistic at this stage really. They didn’t do anything of note but hey they looked sexy and didn’t score 6 own goals.

Manager:

Arsene Wenger: Relaxed Arse. Nothing to put the wind up Mr. Wenger on this trouble-free evening stroll.

Eduardo: Goon and not forgotten. Well-taken strike applauded by those who will always have a soft spot for the Crozilian. Enjoy being Shakt up with those Ukrainian lasses you lucky bastard. (Ps. can we kip at your house during Euro 2012?).

Saturday 28st August: Blackburn 1 – Arsenal 2

Posted by Sonuvagun

Manuel Almunia: Solid Arse. Not put under anywhere near the pressure that young Fabianski was last time round and his sturdier frame was certainly more reassuring.

Gael Clichy: Tremend-arse. Quashed almost all threat from his side of the field and confident under pressure. Played like a leader.

Thomas Vermaelen: Hard Arse. As usual, not taking any shit and just the kinda man you want on days like these. One ill-advised dodgy flick/pass nearly got us in trouble though…

Laurent Koscielny: Amateur Arse which took a thorough shafting in the build up to the Blackburn goal. Otherwise looked pretty solid in the air and tackle.

Bacary Sagna: Fast Arse. Showed great pace and determination to keep the ball in play for our second goal, and Titan-like at the back.

Abou Diaby: Team Arse. Some good covering in defence and generally decent all-round play. Can’t think of too many key moments to be honest though other than his shot in the opening minutes! Out-jumped by Samba on one occasion but not made to pay.

Alex Song: Ridicul-arse haircut, but plenty of sensible play. Needs a few more games to hit top form.

Cesc Fabregas: Mixed Arse. If one buttock was peachy and silky smooth, then the other was spotty and even a bit hairy. Some stupend-arse eye-of-the-needle passes (including one lay off to Chamakh that drifted through four or five Blackburn players), were mixed with some heavy first touches and a lack of je ne sais quoi. Needs more matches? Still got half a mind on Barcelona? Did well to keep us in the game with a goalline clearance.

Andrey Arshavin: Can he be Arsed? It’s difficult to know with the enigmatic Russian. I think he gave it enough, but sometimes his attempts to weave magic don’t work (like when he dribbled past two defenders only to be blocked by the third). Fuck it, who cares? He scored, and he’s in my fantasy team!

Theo Walcott: Sexy Arse. Another bootilicious performance from young Theo who is really enjoying making a mockery of his critics. If he wasn’t outpacing the Blackburn defence, then he was out-tricking them, or out-thinking them (such as when he let the ball run right past him to take him past Givet). Well taken goal, good effort from range, nice set up for Wilshere… what a man, what a man, what a mighty mighty good man!

Robin Van Persie: Arse of Glass. Once again Mr. Fragile was forced to limp off the grass, but sounds like it should be just for 8-10 days with a twisted ankle. Lovely assist for Walcott.

Subs:

Marouane Chamakh: Sticky Arse: Glued himself to Samba on a number of set pieces which definitely helped our cause. A target man with the height of Bendtner and the guile of RVP.

Tomas Rosicky: Soft Arse. Not quite robust enough to run the show in Fab’s absence (or Fabsence if you prefer), although some nice passes. Only an elephant will be able to tell you the last time one of his shots went anywhere near the goal.

Jack Wilshere: Jammed Gun. The starlet mis-fired when presented with a golden opportunity to seal the game. Did well though to solid up the midfield in the final minutes.

Manager:

Arsene Wenger: Smug Arse. His faith in his team was vindicated by the performance, and moreover the result. Did well to correct his mistake by moving Rosicky out of central midfield.

TOP GUN:

Theo! Theo! I want a Theo, and I want one now!

Saturday 21st August: Arsenal 6-0 Blackpool

Posted by SmartArse

Manuel Almunia: Fairly Anonym-arse, but at least the flapping was absent.. Though, with Schwarzer again missing for Fulham that may well be his last game in the shirt. If so, my warmest regards for his future. A good servant, just not a very good goalkeeper.

Gael Clichy: Wobbly Arse: Few rumblings of discontent about Clich amongst fans. Needs to find his feet again fast or young Gibbs will usurp him faster than a Sp*rs collapse vs Young Boys.

Bacary Sagna: Adventurarse: Certainly more so than usual and did leave space for breaks, not that it really mattered against a `10 man Blackpool.

Thomas Vermaelen: Numb Arse – or at least, he could well have sat down and given himself one. Not really tested, especially after they went down to 10 men. Apparently has completed a remarkable 69 passes without giving the ball away once in our opening two fixtures.

Alex Song: Ditto TV, minus the passing stat, plus luscious hair. Great to see him back in the shirt.

Abou Diaby: V-arse-t improvement – anoymous vs Liverpool, but far more composed on Saturday. Does some things I’m sure he doesn’t understand with the ball. It’s certainly enough to bamboozle opponents. Not exactly tested defensively and hopefully won’t have to be now Song is fit and playing.

Tomas Rosicky: Fresh Meat: Okay that’s probably a little creepy, I apologise. But there’s no denying a rejuvenated Rosicky is looking back to his best; excellent penetrative passing and direct running. For the first time in ages looks a real threat.

Jack Wilshere: Effortl-arse – smooth like a Rolls Royce. Young Jack was as ever excellent in possession and disciplined enough to hold his position well. More important minutes in the development of our finest prospect.

Theo Walcott: Kylie’s Arse:

Yup, Theo was THAT good

Yup, Theo was THAT good

As in absolutely fantastic. Theo was electric and fully deserving of his hat-trick. Though as my brother was quick to point out, he’s produced quality against weaker sides before. But if this performance is a sign of things to come then we should all rejoice. Obviously pace, but also fantastic touch, turns and cutting edge. Made their left-back look silly.

Andrey Arshavin: Spanked Arse: Fast becoming a bit of a scapegoat. Far better than vs Liverpool, but this was only Blackpool. Still ridiculously lackadaisical for a professional. Superbly taken penalty though.

Marouane Chamakh: Big Arse: We were promised heading ability and we got it. The jump for his goal would have probably taken him clean over Arshavin. Decent performance elsewhere – obviously should have had more goals, but great in the build up. Interesting to see how he fits in when Robin is fit and firing.

Subs:

Cesc Fabregas and Robin Van Persie: Perked Up Our Arses – Justly lauded by the crowd as the came on at the same time. Both looked a little rusty, but equally both so much better than the Blackpool players it wasn’t even funny. Great to have you back, gentlemen.

Carlos Vela: Not on long enough to really mention.

TOP GUN:

Theo Walcott, of course. A gracious Ian Holloway called him unplayable – a fitting description on the day. If he can be that positive and productive on a regular basis it could be quite an exciting season. Once again, cheers Fabio 😉

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