Sonuvagun

A relative newcomer to the pleasures of Arse worship, Sonuvagun long since made up for a mispent youth supporting the New York Giants and converted to superfandom of the beautiful game – played in its most beauteous form by the boys in red and white. Cynics have pointed out that, geographically-speaking, Sonuvagun was born south of the river, but frankly when you’re hatched between Croydon and Bromley there’s no reason whatsoever to be loyal to your roots. And besides Crystal Palace never had the power to wipe that smug grin of that bloodclot-cheeked, bottle-nosed Scottish c*nt that Arsenal have/had (delete according to your level of optimism).

When he is not reading every last scrap of news about minor injuries to the Arsenal reserve ladies’ team, Sonuvagun roams around the bars of Barcelona telling anyone who will listen that he is respected travel writer.